My Summer Lesson.

I've referenced for a couple of posts about my working on myself.  Thought you'd like the background.

For weeks, even months I've had the same prayer.  I would pray this every night with the expectation of the next morning, waking up and having my eyes opened:

Lord, 

 Help me to wake up the mother you want me to be, the wife you'd like me to be, and the woman you need me to be.  Give me the strength and courage to speak out when I need to, the ability to walk away from the temptations of food, the energy to exercise, and the willingness to keep my mouth shut when I should.  Mold me.

.....and for weeks, even months I wake up and find nothing has changed.  I cried out.. What's wrong with me?  

Why aren't my prayers being answered?  I've asked for forgiveness and paid special attention to those things that I have trouble with.  I buried myself in Psalms 139.  I had mantras of the verse....I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  

I even went so far as to walk away from it.  Obviously it wasn't my season to change.  I needed to find the reason why God wasn't working on my request and after a while... I just stopped asking.  The thoughts were still there.  I just figured that if I stopped asking, God would think I'd forgotten and then he'd answer my prayer.

This past Saturday - I returned Psalm 139 - after being woken up almost like I was hit in the head.  It's amazing what happens when you give something a break.  You see something new.  I also am  convinced this is why we call it the Living Word.  It's constantly changing for us when we're ready for it.  The Word gives us  breath when we're ready.  

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:13-14

Ummm.. DUH?!?!?!?  Follow my brain for just a second.  

#1.  I'm asking the Lord to CHANGE me.

#2.  He CREATED me.

For most this seems simple.  For me, it was like a CRACK in my head.  Why on earth would I ask him to CHANGE me?  

I'm just fleshing life out right now.  I want to match all of my friends.  I want to wear the smaller sizes.  I want to be the one with words of wisdom when someone is pouring their heart out.  I want to be Mom of the year.  Finally, I want to be the gifted speaker in front of a group, giving my hard-earned lessons to those who can learn from them instead of in them.

You see, the Lord created me to be me NOT to be like my friends...which was what my prayer was - I just dropped their names to protect the innocent. 

 Your works (that's me!) are wonderful, I (now) know that full well.

  (emphasis and the additional words, inserted by me...for my hard headedness)

That being said.  I'm working on becoming the woman the Lord has already formed.  You see it's already in me.  I just need to mature.  This is an ongoing process and I need God's help.  My heart wasn't in the right place when I was praying that prayer above.  

Thank goodness for swift kicks to the head.

I'm getting it.